


Conbucks

by testedcyberneticz



Category: The Transformers (Cartoon Generation One), The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Coffee Shops, Crack, Horrifically incorrect usage of coffee shops, Humor, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/testedcyberneticz/pseuds/testedcyberneticz
Summary: There are two coffee shops on Cybertron: Autobucks and Conbucks. While people are at Autobucks, getting coffee drinks and falling in love like some kind of dweeb, Conbucks is busy being a tiny enclosed chaotic hell.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. Water

**Author's Note:**

> This is tagged as multiple continunities BC I genuinely. Do not know what continunity this takes place in.

Starscream flew across the sky, dodging buildings or other fliers in his way. And then he rammed directly into a building, causing a giant hole, transforming into his root-mode mid-tumble.

"STARSCREAM. WHY." Thundercracker snapped in despair with freshly used duck tape in his hands.

"Well if you must know," Starscream mimicked wiping dirt off himself despite there not being dirt on Cybertron, "This building is in an incredibly convenient spot, so this is the most efficient way!" Silence in the room was thick and lasted for exactly ten seconds. 

"I quit." Said Megatron, being the one who ended the quiet and soon walking out the doors of coffee shop, which was right by the giant hole Starscream had made. Said seeker moved and gasped in shock and excitement.

"Megatron has fallen!" Starscream yelled out in triumph as loudly as possible. 

"He fucking quit," Thundercracker said while taking out a cloth, "Get off the counter I have to clean that." 

"I, Starscream, am now manager of the Conbucks!" He finished, before Thundercracker pulled him off the counter and he landed on the floor with an _"oof"_ noise. 

"Nice." Said Skywarp as he looked up from his game console. Starscream's wings twitched in annoyance. 

Starscream moved his face off the floor and to the side, "I could fire you. But I won't because I have _mercy_." 

"You won't because we're the only employees." Thundercracker started on his mission of cleaning the counter. Starscream seemed rather content being on the floor and tapped his fingers together. 

"We should change this place's name." 

"What? Why." He shot Starscream a look that would've shut anyone else up. 

"Conbucks sucks?" Skywarp offered.

"It's an okay name." 

"It should be called Starbucks." Starscream stated with pure confidence. Thundercracker visibly cringed and Skywarp slapped his console down on a table.

"Oh my god." Skywarp said to no one, an unfocused grin slapped across his face.

"Starbucks already exists on Earth we can't do that! It's _copyrighted_!" 

"We can send Sixshot to destroy every Starbucks on Earth." Starscream reccomended.

 _"Definitely no."_ Thundercracker snapped. 

Starscream frowned and stated with full confidence, "What are they gonna do? Copyright a Starbucks on _another planet?_ It's called Starbucks now." 

"I hate it here..." Mumbled Thundercracker. 

"I'll call the Constructicons."

Thundercracker grabbed the other seeker by the arm, "We open in five minutes, you'll have to wait. And also call it Conbucks."

"Damn." Admitted Starscream. The coffee shop then opened the moment Skywarp put on music that sounded like jazz created by someone who has never heard jazz music or the concept of it before, and the first customer of the day (who was always the first) walked inside.

"Hello." Ultra Magnus greeted as calmly as possible. Starscream walked up to the counter in a walk that probably would make you want to punch him. 

"Welcome to Conbucks, what would you like today, sir?" He asked with a smug grin. 

"One glass of water, please." Ultra Magnus asked, as if that wasn't the worst order ever. 

"Wh. What the _hell_. We don't even drink water." Starscream, once done talking, was pushed to the side unceremonously by Thundercracker, who usually took this order.

"I'm so sorry about that, sir! We can get you some water!" The blue Seeker at this point looked as though he might drop dead from embarrassment. Ultra Magnus simply nodded nervously, gave his name to be called by, and sat at a nearby table. 

"We need to interrogate him. Or something." Skywarp recommended.

"What." Thundercracker demanded more than questioned. He put a glass under a machine.

"Why does he want water. No one asks for water. He's doing this every morning and it drives me insane." Starscream explained, and the blue seeker felt as though he would go insane himself at that very moment. His buttons were being pushed to say the least.

"Maybe! He just wants water," Skywarp shut off the water machine while grinning, _"Skywarp."_

"Yeah?" 

_"Starscream."_

"Yes?" 

"I think you're both making me realize why we have a rule that let's us punch each other."


	2. So, Two Waves Walk Into A Coffee Shop: Pt 1

"Designation: Soundwave." The person calling himself Soundwave pointed at himself, then towards two smaller Cybertronians, "Designations: Rumble, Frenzy." Skywarp nodded to show he understood. 

"What would you guys like?" 

"Rumble: Order." 

"Dirt." Rumbled ordered.

"Dirt?" Skywarp questioned.

"You heard me, _fly boy._ " 

Soundwave leaned in toward Skywarp and whispered, "If you dont compact the dirt into the shape of a cakepop he will scream. Rumble: Convinced that dirt is a normal flavor of cakepop." Upon grasping this information, Skywarp nodded his head once more.

"So who...?" 

"Subject: Frenzy." 

"Oh. Cool." He said, genuinely impressed on how the other had managed to make that work. Then he raised a hand toward the side of his face, turned his head, and yelled, "THUNDERCRACKER! CAN YOU GET OVER HERE?" 

Thundercracker, as a result, almost dropped a drink he was making in response. Then, with a confused expression, walked over to Skywarp.

"What do you want?" 

"You're a dirt boy right. You go to Earth and do your dirt boy things." It sounded much less like a question and more as though Skywarp, with full confidence, was stating facts. Thundercracker stared at him with an unreadable expression. 

He frowned, "Did you just call me a _dirt boy?_ " 

"Yes," He replied, "Anyways." The black and purple seeker very suddenly grabbed Thundercracker's arm and... **_Smacked it._** Smacking in such a way as to get something out of something else. And in this moment, he realized that Skywarp was trying to get dirt from his joints and very violently pulled away after he had been smacked at least twenty times. 

"We have a space bridge, 'Warp!"

"Less fun." 

Thundercracker vented and rubbed the sides of his helm with his fingers, "I'll go get the dirt for...?" 

"Cakepop." 

"Dirt isn-" At that moment, Soundwave made an oddly threatening shushing motion, and Thundercracker understood the message as he began to walk out, then transformed to fly to the bridge.

"Okay if you have other orders I can do them while he gets the dirt." Skywarp looked at the group and realized they looked like if a family all secretly was part of the mafia.

"Frenzy: Order." 

Frenzy shrugged, "I'm just here to annoy people." 

"... _Okay_." Was Soundwave's only response, and then, "Fifty shots." Skywarp's optics widened at this, for once acting like a reasonable person.

"For... For you?"

"Affirmative."

"Of vanilla?" He hoped desperately.

"Caffeine. Soundwave: Must watch." Skywarp quickly got everything needed, noted that there was ominous noises of _slurping_ at a table, and then began the process. 

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Skywarp then handed Soundwave his drink, which thankfully, was taken without a problem. The moment he did, Thundercracker came through the hole Starscream had made prior (still not duck taped back together) and put a bag of dirt in Skywarp's hands while looking annoyed. 

The moment Rumble said, "Hell yes," at a table Whirl threw coffee in Shockwave's face, which was followed by an ominous slurping noise.


End file.
